The Lotus Eaters ~ Tatjana Soli

Oh how this book took me by surprise and hooked me in. I have always enjoyed stories set in Vietnam. Must come from being a Vet's daughter. I loved Nelson DeMille's Up Country and spent much of the book calling my father to ask if he had been there, done that. This book was an accident. I literally tripped over a review flipping through a magazine. It sounded interesting so I downloaded it to my Kindle. The rest they say is history. I have been up way too late the past two nights absorbed by the characters and story. The writing is so visually smart it is like watching a movie. In fact I feel sure we will see the adaptation on the big screen one day. I am glad Soli began with an older, wiser Helen then moved back through time. The younger, less seasoned Helen can be a bit annoying. I am only half of the way through it but look forward to reading more tonight.

I miss this cat so much I feel as if there is a physical hole in my heart that one could look right through. What made him perfect?

How cute he was when we first brought him home...hiding under the bedside table every time we walked in his room, sleeping spread out across my neck, bathing my face in the middle of the night.

He became such a dog lover... grabbing Isaac's face and licking him, curling up in the smallest of balls with his back touching Isaac's sleeping body, meowing like crazy when the dog returned from anywhere no matter how short an absence.

Some of his favorite things:
Chasing anything that moved. Stalking birds. Rolling in dirt and sand. His fuzzy blanket on his red chair. His donut bed upstairs. Jumping out from behind clothes while you try to get dressed in the morning. Beating up his older sister. WET FOOD! Cat nip.

I know one day these memories will fade and I will think of him fondly without obsessing on every detail but it is too fresh now. So be warned: you do not want to ask me how I am doing.

From John Updike's "Spirit of '76"

Be with me, words, a little longer; you
have given me my quitclaim in the sun,
sealed shut my adolescent wounds, made light
of growing troubles, turned to my advantage
what in most lives would be pure deficit,
and formed, of those I loved, more solid ghosts.

Don't know why but those words hit me and stuck. Love them!

Go Speed Racer


When I got home today there in my garage with the sweetest card was this:

And the card that was on top of the seat was the sweetest ever. Extra bonus....

A Bell!!!!!

A Not So Drinkin Drinkin Song

On a walk this evening to blow off some steam (and try to forget about how badly I wanted to immerse myself in a cocktail to forget about my day) this song came on my iPod. Yes I know not all of the words apply but if you knew how I felt right now you would know how much this song meant to me while I walked. Thanks God for sending it to me. I needed it now more than ever.

I'm learning how to live without you in my life.
I'm learning how to live without you in my life.
I'll take the best of what you had to give.
I'll make the most of what you left me with.
I'm learning how to live.
They say the best is still yet to come but the taste of you is still on my tongue.
I can't forget and I won't even try to erase your image and the way you made me cry.
I'm learning how to live.
All I have left is this dime store ring but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
The days ahead will never be the same.
For you I might have even changed my name.
I'm learning how to live.
I'm learning how to live without you in my life.
I'll take the best of what you had to give.
I'll make the most of what you left me with.
I'm learning how to live.

Lucinda Williams

Of Detox and Disappointment

Last Friday was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or shall I say the hangover that broke my spirit. Carrie did some research and found a place in Houston that helps alcoholics like us but out patient. They also do so without a higher power (I have always had a problem with AA claiming your higher power can be door knob or whatever you choose. When was the last time you went to the First Church of Knob on a Sunday?). What led us to this conclusion? Or better yet what led me because if there is one thing I know it is I am only accountable for myself and no one else. As those well thought out magazine articles pushing the latest drugs say if you have one or more of the following symptoms you have a problem:

1. You sleep (translate pass out) on your couch more nights than you do in your bed.
Sure your friends see you drink 6-8 drinks during happy hour but do they see you down the other 6-8 at home?
2.You alternate liquor stores because you are too embarrassed that you were just there for a JUG of vodka two days prior (you are welcome children of my local liquor stores for those quality educations I am paying for).
3. Have you become a master at pretending you remember a conversation you had the night before. Smiling, shaking your head and hoping to God the other person will give you the slightest clue as to what you said.
4. Fighting in public with strangers. After all this is your party and you will yell if you want to.
Waking up naked with your clothes in a pile next to the bed. Or better yet waking up in the closet naked with a friend trying to console you because you forgot how you got there in the first place.
5. Mystery bruises.
6. The first thing you grab for in the morning is your Clear Eyes not a glass of water.
7. A co-worker telling you that you still have sleepy face but you have been awake for hours. Not wanting to admit that you are swollen from consumption.
7. Breakfast: Diet Coke and a cigarette. Break: cigarette. Lunch: Greasy hamburger, wings, whatever will soak up remaining alcohol. Evening: Repeat steps 1-8. Morning: repeat steps 8-10

Such was my life when I walked into this program on Friday. My own personal Dr. Drew (I won’t name names until permission is granted) went through the program. No higher power, no group whine sessions (I am not knocking AA but for some this makes us more uncomfortable). Just a simple medical based detox that if we follow for one year, God willing, we will be able to beat the beast.

Like a dead man walking we decided to take the weekend to fulfill those last three wishes. The genie in the vodka bottle granted us a margarita, a few (term used loosely) vodkas, and our favorite mimosa on Sunday.

The program started Monday. Take your blood pressure in the morning. Don’t expect too much as there is still alcohol in your system driving your vitals. When the blood pressure and heart rate begin to sky rocket take a small dose of Valium to replace the effects of alcohol. So far so good. I can tell you that Monday at work was one of the few days in a long time I have been less uptight than a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. That night was great. Except I couldn’t sleep despite the prescription of a sleep aid. This is nothing new since I really couldn’t remember the last time I slept completely through the night.

Tuesday was good in the morning but as is typical around 3:30-4:00 I start thinking where are we going to dinner. I sure would like a drink after work. Another Valium and the craving was for the most part sated. However that night my partner in this endeavor drank and the more I watched her drink the harder it was for me to convince myself that just one wouldn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I’ll go back to the way it was before. It only means we slipped. I called my counselor who explained that he knew it was hard but to stick to the program. Let the Valium replace the alcohol until the detox stage is over. I did so and made it through. Proud!

Wednesday. We had dinner plans with friends who have been out of town for quite awhile. We had not wanted to tell them over the phone so arranged to meet for dinner. We arrived on the front deck and took a seat. Realizing they were late we called at which point they informed us they were on the back deck and to grab our drinks and come on back. If this were Deal or No Deal I would have gone for whatever case was marked that we would come out back with our typical vodka sodas. We didn’t. Carrying nothing but an ice tea and a water we calmly sat down to two very bewildered stares. It was time to let the cat out of the bag. What amazes me most about this process is just how supportive every single one of our friends has been and continue to be.

You know you have made the right decision when not one person says “I didn’t think you had that big of a problem.”

So here we are on day four. Four days I almost went without a drink but tonight I had two cocktails. Sure it is approximately 10 less than normal but still I have disappointed myself. Tomorrow is a new day and I will climb back on that horse. I will get back in the saddle, place my feet firmly in the stirrups and jump any hurdle that comes my way. My horse? Not only is it my sobriety but it is the backs of all the friends I am relying on to get me through this difficult time. Lucky for me I will be riding champions (all of them).

Ranting

Since I listed my top ten favorites that begin with “R” yesterday. I have decided to reverse the process and list my ten least favorite things that begin with “R”. So again here goes….

Race Card- I don’t like this expression. Nor do I like how often it is attached to something for which it doesn’t apply.

Red Lipstick- Notice I said red. Not a nice cabernet color. Red. Bright red. Very few women can pull this off yet so many think they can.

Running- This probably has more to do with my pack a day habit rather than the act itself. Or it could be that I run like a dork. Think Forrest Gump with braces.

Rap- Sorry if you are a fan of this genre but I really don’t see anything redeeming about it and as for those people who pull up next to you at a stop light and vibrate your car with their music- F_ _ _ Off!

Riding in the Back Seat- I can’t think of too many people who like this one. I tend to get sick.
Republicans- I love a few but hate their politics.

Running Late- I have a few friends (who will go unnamed) that could not get to an event or appointment on time if their lives depended on it. To me it shows a lack of respect for other people.

Raisins- Yep, I know. Nature’s Candy and all but they give me the creeps.

Roaches- Again, I can’t think of anyone who likes these. They are so gross and to think they will outlive us in a nuclear war.

Rate of Return- I don’t always hate this one but with current market conditions and my job ROR’s have been a thorn in my side of late.

Rolling With It

Alison assigned me the letter “R” at dinner last night. The challenge is to name my ten favorite things that start with the letter “R”. So here goes…

Reading – Anyone who knows me knows this is a given. I read constantly. I love books. They are an escape you can find no where else. Many friendships have bonded over books including my friendship with Alison so it’s fitting this is number one.

Riding- If they weren’t so expensive I would have ten horses (also if I didn’t live in the city and had a place to keep them). There really is no better smell than the smell of horse sweat. When I had my last horse I would love to bring her blanket home, rest it on a chair in the bedroom and sleep so soundly with that sweet musty smell.

Ruining Surprises- This is a fault of mine but one that I love to do. I can never give a gift without spoiling the surprise. It’s always “Want a hint?”, “Want to open it early?”, “Want to shake the box?”, Want to guess?”. So sad but it is true. I must work on this one.

Rubbing Bellies- I am an equal opportunity belly rubber. Whether my victim is canine, feline, bovine or equine bellies make me crazy. Unfortunately my own belly has become big enough to get a good rubbing now and then.

Rain in the Summer Time- The smell of ozone as the rain is moving in. The smell of freshly moistened concrete. The sound of raindrops hitting the window. Or at the ranch when you can sit under a tin roofed porch listening, the smell of fresh hay and grass mixing with the rain.

Rodrique- I love George Rodrique. I love his Blue Dog series but most of all I love his Cajun series. For my birthday one year Carrie bought me a signed print he did of his son holding up a fish wearing a Kiss Me I’m Cajun t-shirt. It hangs in our dining room. A dream vacation is to go on his river boat tour.

Rice- I could get very Bubba Gump on this one. Rice with butter. Rice with Shrimp Etoufee. Rice with meatballs and Cream of Mushroom soup. Rice with round steak. Rice with anything really. But no brown rice. It tastes weird.

Rising the Corporate Ladder- I am currently only a few rungs up but can see the top from where I stand. This is a major goal in 2009. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

Rolling in Dough- See number 8.

Reeling with Laughter- There is no better feeling than the kind of laugh that makes tears roll down your face. One of the things that cements Carrie and I to one another is the ability to laugh with each other and often.

Wicked Wintry Weather Leaving Me Wary and Warm

I should know better living in Houston for 30 years. When the weather man says it will be 34 degrees in the morning he doesn’t mean it will be 34 degrees in the afternoon. This morning however I woke up and as if preparing for battle put on thick black tights, fully lined wool pants, an undershirt and a big fluffy 100% wool turtle neck sweater.

First cigarette this morning ~ thinking how smart I am to have dressed for the weather.

Second cigarette at lunch ~ thinking it is a bit warm in the sun.

Cigarette just now ~ WTF was I thinking?

This leaves me with a decision to make:

1. Tough it out and sweat out every liquid in my body.
2. Scare the hell out of my co-workers by finishing the day in nothing but an undershirt and tights.

Time Warp or Twilight Zone?

It all started with an acquaintance of a friend who said; “Sure, come on down to the beach for New Years Eve. We have two rooms. One has a queen bed the other two full beds. It’ll be fun. I might not be here because I may be at my husband’s house.”

And so began our plans for New Years Eve. Six of us were going. I agreed to get the food. Football food. Hangover food. Chips, salsa, spicy crackers, pre-cooked shrimp and flank steak. All the fixings for a lazy New Years Eve at the beach. Friends brought breakfast casseroles, cards, booze, champagne, sketch pads and magazines. We were ready.

On NYE we piled into two cars and made the hour and a half trip to the beach. Stopping off once to purchase $200 worth of firecrackers. Talk about kids in a candy store. We went hog wild. Artillery shells in different colors? Check. Chickens that shoot sparks out of their ass? Check. Sparklers in three colors? Check. Big and small bottle rockets? Check. You get the idea.

Arriving at the beach we were so excited. We began unpacking as our hostess showed us around. Bedrooms? Only one with an unmade queen size bed. The other beds? Futons in the living room. Okay we all thought, the sleeping arrangements aren’t what we thought but we can roll with this. As we were getting to know each other our hostess poured herself a big old glass of vodka on ice then added just a splash of soda. Apparently she was not going to let any mixer get in her way. As the night progressed we saw her pour about fifteen more of these each one increasingly light on the soda. The next morning our friends found six of these drinks forgotten in various places.

With the sleeping arrangements settled it was time to turn off Casablanca on the t.v. and put on some football. Football? Our hostess informs us that she has Direct TV but cuts it off in the winter to save money. Huh? What? Carrie at this point had just enough liquid encouragement in her to inform the room “THIS IS BULLSHIT! What do mean they don’t have TV?”. We know at this point we are at DEFCON 1 so we suggest Carrie come to the beach with us to set off fireworks.

A few collisions between Carrie’s ass and a sand dune later and we had her properly planted in the sand so we could proceed into pyrotechnic nirvana. Amazingly it all went well. This despite one of our party not being familiar with Carrie’s stages of “tipsy” handing her a lit bottle rocket which she proceeded to shoot a foot or two just above a box of the unlit firecrackers.

With the smell of sulfur lingering on our clothes we went back to the house. Carrie by this time has forgotten there is not t.v. and is continually asking us to put the game on. Instead (and this is where I started pouring my own drinks a might stronger) our hostess puts in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It is her favorite and she knows every word. Just after The Time Warp (which we all danced in the living room- how could you not at this point?) she plops into a chair then proceeds to plop right out of it onto the floor.

At this point Carrie is “napping” on a futon in the living room. The neighbors have come over to visit and another friend is making one of them recite the Whataburger commercial convinced he is the voice of Whataburger. Still another friend who flew in from Paris has retired to the bedroom. And that my friends is how I ended up in bed, legs wrapped around and snoring contentedly with a French man as the clocks ticked towards 2009.

In all this was one of the funnest, funniest New Years Eves I have had in a long time. Will we be going back? Probably not. Or at least until The Rocky Horror Picture Show DVD spontaneously combusts and Direct TV is installed year round.

Disclaimer: Friend of hostess had no idea what she was getting us into. Said friend is off the hook for any and everything that happened. No worries!