A Room With a Door

As I said in a previous blog in the past year I moved up a rung on the corporate ladder, moving from a cubicle to an office complete with a door. Nothing could have made me happier at the time. Now all is lost, for the cubicle that occupies the space directly outside my door has been taken over by the loudest woman on Earth!

I have tried the diplomatic route, calling our head of Human Resources and asking her to have a talk with the woman. I have tried the not so diplomatic approach of muttering “Jesus Christ” under my breath and slamming my door, but this woman is truly clueless to her volume.

She inherited her position from the quietest, most feeble guy in the world. He could be in that cubicle all day and you would never hear a peep. Now, against my will I know the following things:

1. Her father will only wear Sansabelt pants. He gets a new pair for Christmas and (Surprise!) they are hard to find. One must make no less than 50 phone calls to every sporting goods and department store in town recounting your father’s life story to find the pants.

2. She has never owned a computer. Simple tasks like typing a letter in Word elude her therefore I get the pleasure of hearing our IT girl go through Computer 101 on a daily basis.

3. Clearly the intercom is also lost on her. The woman she works for is across the hall from her cubicle and in lieu of announcing calls on the intercom she feels that screaming across the hall is just as effective.

4. This has nothing to do with the volume but speaks instead to the overall hell I am currently in because this woman eats at her cubicle. What do you ask? Asiago cheese melted on Triskets. It’s as if she searched for the stinkiest cheese. My boss even sent an e-mail asking the stinky cheese culprit to please restrict themselves to eating in the lunch room but at that time she didn’t have a computer and thus did not know about the e-mail.