Of Detox and Disappointment

Last Friday was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or shall I say the hangover that broke my spirit. Carrie did some research and found a place in Houston that helps alcoholics like us but out patient. They also do so without a higher power (I have always had a problem with AA claiming your higher power can be door knob or whatever you choose. When was the last time you went to the First Church of Knob on a Sunday?). What led us to this conclusion? Or better yet what led me because if there is one thing I know it is I am only accountable for myself and no one else. As those well thought out magazine articles pushing the latest drugs say if you have one or more of the following symptoms you have a problem:

1. You sleep (translate pass out) on your couch more nights than you do in your bed.
Sure your friends see you drink 6-8 drinks during happy hour but do they see you down the other 6-8 at home?
2.You alternate liquor stores because you are too embarrassed that you were just there for a JUG of vodka two days prior (you are welcome children of my local liquor stores for those quality educations I am paying for).
3. Have you become a master at pretending you remember a conversation you had the night before. Smiling, shaking your head and hoping to God the other person will give you the slightest clue as to what you said.
4. Fighting in public with strangers. After all this is your party and you will yell if you want to.
Waking up naked with your clothes in a pile next to the bed. Or better yet waking up in the closet naked with a friend trying to console you because you forgot how you got there in the first place.
5. Mystery bruises.
6. The first thing you grab for in the morning is your Clear Eyes not a glass of water.
7. A co-worker telling you that you still have sleepy face but you have been awake for hours. Not wanting to admit that you are swollen from consumption.
7. Breakfast: Diet Coke and a cigarette. Break: cigarette. Lunch: Greasy hamburger, wings, whatever will soak up remaining alcohol. Evening: Repeat steps 1-8. Morning: repeat steps 8-10

Such was my life when I walked into this program on Friday. My own personal Dr. Drew (I won’t name names until permission is granted) went through the program. No higher power, no group whine sessions (I am not knocking AA but for some this makes us more uncomfortable). Just a simple medical based detox that if we follow for one year, God willing, we will be able to beat the beast.

Like a dead man walking we decided to take the weekend to fulfill those last three wishes. The genie in the vodka bottle granted us a margarita, a few (term used loosely) vodkas, and our favorite mimosa on Sunday.

The program started Monday. Take your blood pressure in the morning. Don’t expect too much as there is still alcohol in your system driving your vitals. When the blood pressure and heart rate begin to sky rocket take a small dose of Valium to replace the effects of alcohol. So far so good. I can tell you that Monday at work was one of the few days in a long time I have been less uptight than a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. That night was great. Except I couldn’t sleep despite the prescription of a sleep aid. This is nothing new since I really couldn’t remember the last time I slept completely through the night.

Tuesday was good in the morning but as is typical around 3:30-4:00 I start thinking where are we going to dinner. I sure would like a drink after work. Another Valium and the craving was for the most part sated. However that night my partner in this endeavor drank and the more I watched her drink the harder it was for me to convince myself that just one wouldn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I’ll go back to the way it was before. It only means we slipped. I called my counselor who explained that he knew it was hard but to stick to the program. Let the Valium replace the alcohol until the detox stage is over. I did so and made it through. Proud!

Wednesday. We had dinner plans with friends who have been out of town for quite awhile. We had not wanted to tell them over the phone so arranged to meet for dinner. We arrived on the front deck and took a seat. Realizing they were late we called at which point they informed us they were on the back deck and to grab our drinks and come on back. If this were Deal or No Deal I would have gone for whatever case was marked that we would come out back with our typical vodka sodas. We didn’t. Carrying nothing but an ice tea and a water we calmly sat down to two very bewildered stares. It was time to let the cat out of the bag. What amazes me most about this process is just how supportive every single one of our friends has been and continue to be.

You know you have made the right decision when not one person says “I didn’t think you had that big of a problem.”

So here we are on day four. Four days I almost went without a drink but tonight I had two cocktails. Sure it is approximately 10 less than normal but still I have disappointed myself. Tomorrow is a new day and I will climb back on that horse. I will get back in the saddle, place my feet firmly in the stirrups and jump any hurdle that comes my way. My horse? Not only is it my sobriety but it is the backs of all the friends I am relying on to get me through this difficult time. Lucky for me I will be riding champions (all of them).