Freshman Fifty

The niece of my very good friend is starting college soon. My friend attended freshman orientation with her yesterday and last night at dinner said she was jealous for these young students starting out what will surely be the last carefree years of their lives. Too bad they don’t know that yet. It made me think of my freshman year of college which I entered secure in the fact that I knew everything. If only someone had taken me aside and said:

1) You will eat too much junk food and before you know your ass will become the size of those prize pumpkins you see in Miracle Grow commercials. Corn dogs are not nutritional and should not be eaten for every meal.
2) Beer is not a staple. It does not make you smarter and your parents don’t really want to talk to your crying, drunk, sniveling self at two a.m. Speaking of beer…it is not cool that your friends who live off campus are wallpapering their bedroom with empty twelve pack boxes. This is not stylish.
3) You will learn nothing from soap operas or playing backgammon twelve hours straight while chain smoking in a room the size of a prison cell. In fact, not only will you not learn anything, in a year you will be crawling back home with your tail between your pumpkin size ass begging your parents forgiveness for wasting their money.
4) Pouring cold water on someone while they are in the shower, padding their door with feminine hygiene products or pornography is not funny. (Exception to this rule is padding large haired bleach blond small town girls door with pornography. It can be funny. In fact seeing them unable to bring themselves to touch the door can be a downright riot)
5) Don’t ever leave your cloths on the river bank and go skinny dipping in the middle of the night. You cannot see where you have set said clothing so when you put them back on and they are full of fire ants (including your underwear) don’t come crying to me.
6) If you have a roommate who sits in the dark with nothing but a candle listening to Desperado over and over again while chain smoking Marlboro Reds she is depressed and on the edge. Best to just back out of the room and give her some space.

If only someone had told me.